Two thoughts entered my consciousness as I woke up. One, I was being held by Ashley. I could feel her arms tight around me and her smell lulling me into safe feelings of happiness. It was like this most mornings and it’s something I love.

The second thing I become aware of was pain.

Lots of pain.

My head hurt, my back hurt, my chest hurt.

And with the pain came recollection.

I felt a mini gasp bubble out of my chest as I remembered where I was and why I was here.

I can’t believe that happened.

I feel so defiled. I feel dirty. I feel damaged.

Ashley’s arms aren’t giving me comfort anymore. It’s suffocating. I need to get them off me. I can feel the start of a panic attack coming on, I’m struggling to breathe. I push her off roughly, so hard infact she nearly topples of the small hospital bed.

“Woah, Spence, what the hell?” I barely hear her grumble behind me.

I’m going to be sick.

Half a second later I’m leaning over the side of the bed my stomach trying to purge itself.

“Spence, oh babe.”  Ashley’s hands are rubbing what should be soothing circles on my back. I can feel her body heat radiating onto my skin and I swat her off like it burns.

“Don’t.” I manage between gasps. My voice sounds cracked and scratchy from the bile burning it and I don’t have to look at her to know she is hurt. I feel her stiffen and move away slightly behind me.

“Spence….” The hushed, desperate tone of her voice almost breaks my heart. I’m defiantly not getting enough oxygen now, oh God, I’m going to die, I can’t breathe!

“Breathe Spence! Calm down babe.”

“Spencer! Quick Ashley get the oxygen mask.” I’m vaguely aware of my mother’s voice as spots start to appear in my vision. I feel the oxygen mask being placed over my nose and mouth.

I see Ashley’s terrified eyes, I see her mouth move but I hear no sound.

Then everything went black.

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I can hear hushed voices. I feel very groggy.

It takes my brain a few seconds to catch up the fact I passed out before.

That’s not good.

I can feel someone gently brushing the hair off my face.

It’s done softly almost adoringly.

I know it’s Ashley.