I broke down in the kitchen. Shaking so hard that I felt like I was moving the island that I had fallen against. I couldn’t stop the tears. I cried and cried until I thought I was going to be sick. I didn’t even know how long I laid against the cool surface of the island. It didn’t matter. My breathing was still choppy and my sobbing hadn’t stopped. Why did she hate me all of a sudden? I continued to whimper and cry, not registering the pounding feet that ran down the stairs.

“Baby? Oh gosh, baby!” Her arms wrapped around my trembling form. “I’m so sorry.” The words were whispered through my hair softly, like they would brake too. She turned me around and pulled me as close as she could. I didn’t hug back; I just pressed my tear-stained face and folded arms into her chest. “I didn’t mean it, angel. I love you, Spencer. You’re my baby. I’m so sorry.” For the first time, Ashley arms didn’t feel the same. They didn’t comfort me. Something about this whole thing was just too painful that she couldn’t just take it away. It wouldn’t vanish, this feeling- it was in the air. “Come back upstairs, angel. Come rest with me.” I shook my head, surprising both of us. She kissed the skin where the opening of my shirt ended before it went up my neck. “Come on.” She didn’t really give me a choice… I don’t even know if I would have resisted. Her strong arms lifted me up and carried me back into her room.

I sat, whimpering on her bed, as she removed my shoes. When she brought me into her arms I didn’t cuddle with her.

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry, baby.” She said remorsefully into my ear.

“What happened to you?” I whispered, my voice breaking.

“Those are some of the withdrawal symptoms of…” Ashley paused and I could feel her take in a deep breath, “cocaine.” She whispered.